Goodbye, Tina
"How to improve your mental health," she typed into Google. The result was several pages. Rocio opened and checked each one.
What stood out most on every page was eating well, sleeping well, practicing relaxation activities, being more positive, setting goals and priorities, and doing things that make her happy.
It seemed easy, for now. But still, Rocio didn't know where to start.
"Things that make me happy..." Rocio muttered to herself. "Well, I guess programming and drawing? Especially if it's with Grace..."
She didn't realize it, but she was smiling. Grace... she was doing this for her. She didn't want to ruin their friendship by being so mentally unwell. This was a good start, wasn't it?
She never thought of doing this in her life, but Grace had given her a reason to live. And if she was going to live, she didn't want to suffer.
She could try to be more positive, but... eating healthy... She... Rocío really didn't know what healthy eating looked like.
Living her whole life with her uncle, she really just ate whatever was available. Her uncle was fired every two seconds from any job he got, and he didn't give a shit if Rocío was even alive, so he wasn't going to cook for her. In fact, sometimes Rocío had to cook for both of them.
Rocío knew how to cook, she knew how to cook well, but she had no idea what "healthy eating" looked like. That was the next thing she googled.
Nutrient-rich foods, fruits, vegetables, meats, seemed easy. Expensive, but not impossible. She'd just have to work longer hours.
Oh, and water, of course. But that was basic. She could do it.
Sleeping well...well, to no one’s surprise, Rocío didn’t sleep quite well. 8 hours...she'd have to go to bed earlier.
If she was being honest, she didn't understand much about how sleeping and eating interfered with your mental health. She was surprised to learn that was also an important factor. But she was prepared to do all of that. Or at least she thought she was.
Setting goals and priorities...
Did getting better count?
Leaving what happened with her uncle behind her?
...
She really wanted to put that behind her. So maybe it was a good goal. Getting better and leaving what happened with her uncle behind! It sounded good. That as a goal... it made her happy to imagine achieving it.
She smiled.
Rocío looked up more and more tips on the internet on how to do this, how to improve her diet, how to be more positive, how to sleep better, those kinds of things.
Thinking about the best, exercising, keeping to a sleep schedule, avoiding convenience foods...it all sounded good.
She wrote everything down in a small notebook. She was going to the supermarket right now.
At the supermarket, Rocio tried to find the healthiest food she could buy with the little money she had from working at McDonald's. She was a little embarrassed, but this was so she wouldn't ruin her relationship with Grace, so it was worth it.
When she got home, she organized everything she bought in the refrigerator and on the shelves, but left some things out to try cooking. She knew how to cook, but she hadn't in a while, living exclusively on convenience foods. She still had the convenience foods with her, but she saved them just in case. She was going to try to cook more often.
Today she would try to cook something simple, rice and a steak. That was easy. It wouldn't burn.
Or so she thought.
But in reality, nothing burned, just the meat almost did. So it didn't turn out so bad.
Rocio ate the dinner she made herself. For some, meat and rice was stupid, and for Rocío it was too, but in a way, she felt proud of herself.
With her uncle, she only ate when she was on the verge of death. Back then, she never had time to make herself anything really good; she just ate whatever was available, anything that would keep her alive. And if she had to cook, she did it in a hurry, doing the simplest thing she could. She didn't have that much time to cook something great. She spent her time hiding from her uncle (even if they lived in the same house, it was better to pretend she didn't exist).
But today, she didn't have to hide. She wasn't on the verge of death, and nothing was rushing her. She felt happy about this because, even if she hadn't noticed before, she truly felt like she'd come a long way. She wasn't living with her uncle anymore. It didn't seem like much, but Rocío truly felt free. A great burden was lifted from her shoulders, even more so knowing she wouldn't have to see him.
We don't talk about how she got rid of him anyway.
Rocio took the last bite of her food. To others, this might seem stupid. But she was happy and proud of the first meal she cooked on her own after a long time of surviving on instant soup. To her, it was the greatest achievement.
She ate only instant soup because she didn't usually feel hungry, and sometimes she would even forget to eat for days. She only ate when she felt dizzy. But she would have to stop.
Three meals a day, that was what her classmates in high school always answered when the teacher asked how many meals they should eat a day. Rocio didn't answer. She couldn't answer. Not if she wanted to continue living. Her uncle would kill her if they found out how he abused her.
Then her body got used to it. He wasn't going to give her food even if she was dying. If she was dying, it would be even better for him. So, since Rocio was afraid to leave her room, she only ate when absolutely necessary. She ate the first thing she saw.
But it didn't have to be that way anymore. He was gone. She was free.
She finished eating and stood up. She went to the kitchen and washed the plate with the other cutlery. She felt happy. This seemed easy.
After she finished washing the cutlery, she went to her bedroom.
Her bedroom wasn't small, but it wasn't big either. Her bed was on one side, and her desk with her computer on the other, near the window. There wasn't much in her room; Rocio liked to keep things organized and minimalistic. Clutter stressed her out.
It reminded her of when she was with him.
Rocio noticed she was about to fall into a downward spiral of thinking about him and that whole period of her life. She hated it when this happened; thinking about it made her panic, even though she wasn't in that situation anymore. It made her feel horrible, out of control, sometimes even making her tremble.
But there was someone who always helped her. She helped her calm down, gain control, have more energy, forget about everything bad, and be happy.
Tina
She'd say she met her as she became an adult. In reality, she met her about a month ago, but as she got to know her better, she realized she'd known her for much longer! Her uncle introduced her to her, but she didn't realize it. Her uncle used her for his own pleasure, but now that she was away from him, she could use her as she pleased.
A few minutes without Tina around her, and she felt all her troubles disappear.
Yes
This would be easy.
Rocio heard her alarm. She didn't feel like it...she was extremely tired.
"Sleep well," and she spent the whole time around with Tina. But it was so, so much fun...
With all her might, Rocio tried to get up. She couldn't call Tina again; she'd already spent an inordinate amount of time with her.
She remembered Grace.
Nope, she couldn't be absent today.
Remembering Grace made Rocio want to go back to college, and with that motivation, she got up and changed. She was going to have breakfast, as she should, but the thought of food at that moment made her nauseous. Tina made her stop feeling hungry; that's how she was.
And so, Rocio, in her daily life, tried to do everything she heard on the internet—but she ended up failing, somehow.
When she tried to eat three times a day, she felt a sharp stomachache. When she tried to sleep, she couldn't sleep. And then she felt horribly tired and paranoid. She found herself calling Tina more and more.
Her days with Grace were normal, but the moment she was alone again, she felt as if everything would fall apart.
Grace...
Grace would be disgusted with her if she knew this. She knows. Grace would run away from her.
She wanted to remain her friend.
She didn't want Grace to leave.
But she didn't want Tina to leave either...
This would be difficult.
Rocio sat at the table, going from utter happiness to anxiety. What should she do? Who was more worth it?
Tina gave her energy, happiness, control, and she even felt more sociable with her. But it was only temporary.
Grace made her feel happy too, made her feel like life was worth living, she felt like she could do anything as long as Grace was there with her.
And Grace would hate Tina.
Tina only hangs out with losers, criminals, everything Grace didn't like. And Rocio didn't want Grace to hate her.
But Rocio also knew what could happen to her if Tina left.
Headaches, fatigue, paranoia, even hallucinations. Tina didn't leave without leaving a whirlwind behind her.
For a few days, she carried on with her life. Pretending everything was fine with Grace, taking every step to improve her mental health, but the topic of Tina remained on her mind. She thought she could simply hide it from her, but suddenly, one day after going out with Grace, something came to mind.
...What if Grace found out?
What if Grace found out and looked at her with a face of disappointment, anger, disgust?
WHAT IF SHE LOOKED AT HER WITH A FEARFUL FACE?
Besides, even if Tina stayed, Rocio would have a shorter lifespan. Rocio was going to die if she stayed with Tina. Either she'd die from not eating, or she'd kill herself out of paranoia, or the police would catch her. In general, she put her in dangerous situations.
So maybe…
It was worth it.
Rocio walked around her apartment, grabbing every bag of that white powder, those crystals, that reddish liquid, throwing it all in a bag and dumping it in the trash can in front of her house.
Grace wouldn't want to be friends with a drug addict.
Rocio knew exactly what she'd gotten herself into. But it was worth it for Grace. It was worth it...
She could just replace her with other things, right? And besides, any suffering was worth it if it was for Grace.
She got rid of Tina.
Rocio spent those days sleeping. Even though nightmares woke her up, she didn't have the energy to get out of bed, and the pounding headache didn't motivate her to get out of bed.
She wanted more...
Sometimes she wondered if this was really worth it. Couldn't she just hide this from Grace? She wouldn't have to deal with this hell. She'd already missed two days of college, and that headache was hellish.
But every time she thought about it, all she could imagine was Grace's disgusted face, her abandoning her. And if that ever happened, Rocio couldn't blame her. She was horrible for getting involved in that. And no one wants a drug addict as a friend.
Maybe if she got some more sleep, the pain would go away...
She heard her phone vibrate.
"Ugh..." Rocio groaned. "Who the hell is it..." she asked herself with annoyance, due to how tired she was even though she'd slept all day, until she saw the letters on her phone, indicating who was calling.
"Grace."
And suddenly, it was like everything negative had vanished. Like she no longer had a headache that felt like it was going to split her head in half. She smiled and answered.
"Hello?"
"Oh, you're alive..." Grace laughed. "What happened? It's been two days since you last came! I mean, you used to be absent a lot, but you've been coming for two months straight..." Grace asked. Rocio didn't know how to respond. She was so, so happy that someone cared about her; in that sense, she couldn't feel happier. This improved her whole day. But on the other hand, what would she answer?
"Oh yeah, I'm just going through drugs withdrawal." she COULDN'T SAY THAT TO HER! SHE’D BLOCK HER ON THE SPOT!
Maybe...
"Oh, it's nothing, just...I got sick. I just have a cold. I'm fine, don't worry," she decided to answer.
"Oh, really? Sucks…” Grace sighed. "What are you feeling?"
"Well," Rocío didn't know whether to tell her the truth or not, but she could paint this in a more innocent light, right? Then she replied, "My head hurts a lot... and I'm really tired..."
"Oh... that does sound strange," Grace believed her. "I have a cousin who's studying medicine... I think... I think you have cancer, Rocío."
"WHAT?!" Rocío almost dropped her phone.
"I was joking, don't get a heart attack too," Grace replied. Rocío sighed, more relaxed.
"You scared me," Rocío complained. "Did something interesting happen while I was gone?"
"No... I was bored," Grace retorted. Rocio gave a giggle, unheard by Grace. Did she really like her enough to be bored without her?
"When are you coming back?"
"I don't knoww” She slurred. “...When I feel better."
"We have a midterm next week."
"WHAT!?
"We'll get the subjects tomorrow. I recommend you come back."
"BUT IT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING OF APRIL!"
"Well, yeah, uh, apparently he doesn't care."
"Ugh..." Rocío sighed. "I don't know how the hell I'll do this..."
"Did you take any pills?"
"No..."
"Are you an idiot?"
"Ughh... I just kept sleeping..." She complained. "I can't get out of beeeddd..."
"You want me to go?" Rocío froze.
Go...and help her? Her? Would she...do that?
Her face turned warm, and she found herself smiling.
But...
No, she couldn't. She couldn't let her. If she comes, she'll realize she's not sick, she's just in withdrawal.
And she'd look at her with disgust... She wasted her time trying to help a drug addict.
No, she didn't deserve help.
"N-no! No! Don't worry! I'll be fine!" Rocío exclaimed.
"Hmh...Okay! I believe you! You'll come back tomorrow, right?" Rocío looked at the floor.
She didn't think she could come back the next day; she still felt really bad... but she would have to find a way. She didn't want to disappoint Grace.
"Yes, I'll come back tomorrow, don't worry," she replied, trying to sound happy even though she wasn't smiling a bit anymore.
"Okay! See you! Bye!"
"Bye..."
And she hung up.
Rocío looked around and, with some difficulty, got out of bed.
Her head was about to split in two, her body was begging her to please sit back down, and she had this persistent feeling that someone was watching her.
She didn't want to leave her room. Something was stopping her. She felt like someone was outside, and the further she stood in front of the door, the more she felt like someone was outside, waiting for her.
That he was outside.
And if she went outside, he would see her.
And God knows what he would do to her...
Rocío found herself going back to bed, scared. Forget it! SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO OUT ANYMORE, SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO UNIVERSITY ANYMORE, SHE WAS GOING TO STAY THERE. SHE SHOULDN'T HAVE THOUGHT EVERYTHING WOULD GET BETTER. HE WAS THERE. SHE KNEW IT, SHE FELT IT. IF SHE WENT OUT, SHE WOULD NEVER SEE GRACE AGAIN. HE WAS THERE, AND HE WAS GOING TO KILL HER.
She began to hear sounds of someone moving.
The feeling worsened, and Rocío hid under 9 sheets.
She swore she could hear him, and that he was going to kill her. She couldn't get out or move. Her paranoia kept her sitting under her sheet. She didn't even want to move to eat, and going to the bathroom was difficult out of fear.
She didn't know how much time had passed since she'd been under that sheet, but at one point, she tried to get out to go to the bathroom, and then...
She saw him.
He was at her window.
She quickly ran back under her sheet, scared. And trembling. She wasn't going to get out of there ever again.
And she spent hours there.
And hours, and hours...she didn't know what time it was, she didn't even pay attention to what was happening outside her sheet.
Until she heard something vibrate.
It was her phone.
Terrified, Rocío grabbed the phone. She couldn't see who was calling, so she answered it anyway.
"Rocío?" A familiar male voice answered.
"Y-yes?" Her voice wavered.
"You know what you did." Those familiar words... tears streamed down her cheeks.
"W-what?"
"Open the door." Rocío was frozen. "DO YOU THINK YOU CAN LIVE IGNORING THE HORRIBLE THINGS YOU DID?" Rocío found herself sobbing, trembling.
"OPEN THE DAMN DOOR, YOU IDIOT! YOU'RE NOTHING WITHOUT ME! WITHOUT ME YOU'D BE DEAD IN THE STREET, WITH NO ONE TO REMEMBER YOU! AND YET YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS TO ME WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES!?" DO YOU THINK YOU CAN KILL ME AND GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE!? THIS IS WHY YOUR PARENTS LEFT, YOU LITTLE WORTHLESS GIRL!” He yelled at her on the other end of the phone. "SO OPEN THAT DAMN DOOR IF YOU DON'T WANT ME TO CUT YOUR NECK OPEN!"
"NO!" Rocío screamed, sobbing and shaking, her eyes squeezed shut as her breathing quickened.
"ROCÍO!?" a female voice exclaimed. "WHAT HAPPENED? ARE YOU OKAY?!"
Rocío recognized the voice. It was Grace. IT WAS GRACE! She felt hopeful of escaping this nightmare.
"GRACE! GRACE, HELP!" she begged.
"WHAT? WHAT'S HAPPENING?!" the other one yelled on the other end of the phone.
"THEY'RE STALKING ME! I KNOW IT, I HEARD IT, I FELT IT, I SAW IT! HE’S G-GOING TO KILL ME!"
"O...OK! STOP A BIT, TELL ME WHERE YOU LIVE!" Grace exclaimed. Rocío responded in a shaky voice her address. "And why do you think they're harassing you?"
"I...saw it, I...heard him...he's here...I know...C-can't you just stay here w-with me...? P-please don't call the police..."
Grace sighed.
"The ideal thing would be to call the police if I don't want to die with you."
"PLEASE!"
"OK, OK, I WON'T CALL THE POLICE... weirdo..." Grace exclaimed, but then continued. "I'm going..."
"Th-thanks..."
Grace stayed in line with Rocío as she walked to the building where she lived.
"Look, there's NO ONE in the front," Grace warned, looking at the building. It wasn't small, but it wasn't huge either.
"C-can't you…go in? H-he's inside..." Grace sighed.
"And how the hell am I going to get in...? Oh, forget it." Grace entered with another woman. "What floor do you live on?"
"The third..."
"Oh, okay." Grace went up to the third floor and stood in front of three doors. One said A, the other B, and the other C. "Look, there's no one out here either. There's nothing. Nothing and no one. Which of the three apartments is yours?”
"A...? No one lives in the others..."
Grace tried to open the door. She couldn't. So she kicked it until it opened.
Rocio screamed as loudly as she could.
"He opened the door! HE BROKE IT! THERE WAS NOTHING SHE COULD DO! SHE WAS GOING TO DIE!" Rocio looked around to try and defend herself, but ended up crawling under her bed with her blanket. Maybe that would make it less obvious she was there.
Grace hung up, which scared Rocio even more. WHAT IF THE MAN KILLED HER?! WHAT DID THAT MAN DO TO HER?! She was even more terrified.
They opened the door to her room.
Rocio was mentally preparing herself to have her throat slit open and be stabbed.
He turned on the light.
"Rocio, come on, get out of where you've been hiding! You know I'll find you anyway! So come out now if you don't want it to get worse!" Rocio hugged herself.
A figure appeared under the bed. It was him. Her life was done for, and she couldn't even say goodbye to Grace. He grabbed her arm and pulled her out. She was definitely already dead.
"Rocio? What the hell is wrong with you?" Grace exclaimed. Rocio was covered in sweat, her dark circles were huge, it was obvious she hadn't showered, and her pajamas, which consisted of a white T-shirt and plaid pants, were stained with tears. She couldn't stop shaking, her hair was all over the place.
"No! PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!" Rocío screamed. "FORGIVE ME, PLEASE FORGIVE ME!"
"ROCÍO!" Grace exclaimed. "PLEASE, LOOK AT ME! I'M NOT GOING TO KILL YOU! IT'S ME, GRACE!"
Rocío kept screaming and screaming, even kicking Grace once, and when getting away, she ran to a corner of her room, her head to her knees. Grace tried to approach her more calmly.
"Rocíooo...it's meee...Grace..." The other one didn't look at her, her eyes looking at the floor, scared. "It's me, Grace...let's try taking some deep breaths shall we?" Grace opened the window, brought her some water, and tried to take deep breaths. She did this for half an hour, until finally, she noticed Rocío copying her, then drinking the water.
And suddenly, Rocío looked at her.
"...Grace?" Rocío looked at her, surprised.
"Yes, Grace." The other sighed and then spoke. "Look, there's no one in your house. No one's spying on you or anything. No one's going to kill you, Rocío. ...Where did you get all that from? You scared me a lot, you know that?"
"Really...? ...There's no one?"
"Nothing and no one," Grace assured her. Rocío thought she must be right...but...
What if they just tricked her?
"I-I don't believe you..." Rocío murmured, her voice trembling.
"Look, if you want, we can look together." Grace offered her a hand, waiting for her to take it.
Rocío was going to refuse, but then she agreed, standing up and shaking Grace's hand.
Then, together, they walked everywhere, from Rocío's room to the front of the building (that part was quick, since Grace was embarrassed to be with Rocío in that state).
Rocío sometimes saw things and pointed at them, but Grace told her there was nothing there, and then Rocío couldn't find them anymore.
She thought, "If Grace says there's nothing there, then it must be true, right?"
They had returned to the apartment and checked it a second time: nothing at all.
Rocío looked away, embarrassed:
"Sorry... it was... it was just a nightmare."
"All this fuss over a nightmare? Rocio, you can't be serious…”
"I often have nightmares like this..." Rocio lied. She knew this was a result of being away from Tina, but she also knew Grace's reaction when she found out. She wouldn't look at her the same way again.
"How strange... God, is this part of your illness?" Grace sat with Rocio on her bed for a while, Rocio sitting next to her.
"Maybe..."
"Have you been to the doctor yet?" Grace asked.
"I'll be fine..."
"You really need to go to the doctor." Her voice was serious and blunt.
"Okay, okay, I'll go today, okay?" Rocio tried to assure her, lying. Maybe she could google antipsychotics and try to get them at a pharmacy, or illegally, she'd see.
They fell silent.
"Can you... can you stay a while?"
"Well, I still have to study," Grace mentioned.
"Study with me. I haven't been to college for like two days. I'd like to understand what they're doing..." Grace felt like telling her to take a shower. But she wouldn't. It was understandable that she'd be all sweaty if it was from a nightmare.
And so, for at least an hour, Grace spent summarizing the topics for an exam for Rocio, who was listening attentively. Rocio was happy to hear Grace's voice in the first place, anyway.
How strange.
Strange how things can change over time, isn't it?
Rocio didn't think she'd find herself thinking about all this; it was stupid. Why was she doing this?! What happened, happened; that was in the past. Probably, Grace had already hated her from that moment on. She was disgusting.
There was no point in thinking about this anymore, so why was she doing it?
"I know," she said to herself. "I just need to distract myself..." She looked at the page full of games, wondering which one to self-destruct with first.
It’s time to play some girls flash games!
"Methamphetamine is a laboratory-made (synthetic) stimulant with a high addiction potential. When sold as shiny, bluish-white rocks or crystals, it may be known as 'crystal meth,' 'Tina,' or 'ice.'"