Emptiness.
Charlie returned home, threw her backpack on the floor, and sighed. She was tired. Tired of dealing with Grace. Tired of not having someone with empathy to help her through this. Tired of not having anyone. Grace wasn't going to let her in anymore. It was clear she hated her. Charlie didn't want this to end like this, but it did, and she couldn't fix it right now. So she couldn't connect to the page anymore; she could only talk to Rocío through the page.
So she went to her room. Her room wasn't anything special; it was always messy, sheets everywhere, clothes everywhere. She should clean it up, she knew, but she always procrastinated. She always told herself "I'll do it tomorrow," and tomorrow never came. She wasn't going to clean it up right now; she was too tired. So she lied to herself and told herself she'd do it the next day. First, she asked a classmate to pass her what they did while she was gone. She copied her notes, and then went to take a nap to clear her mind.
After a dreamless nap, Charlie woke up and quickly got out of bed. She had to do something, now. She didn't know what, but her body felt like doing something, and she had no choice but to listen.
Looking for something to do, study, play a game, anything other than going straight to try to help Rocio because it felt like it was too sudden, she ended up failing and went to her computer. It was six in the evening, dusk falling. It was dark enough for Charlie's computer to illuminate part of the room, while her window illuminated the other.
Upon entering the page, she found that typical screen of games she played as a girl: Lacey's Wardrobe, Lacey's Petshop, more than 50 games, which, Charlie thought right now, were probably the result of a lot of pressure and pain. Her goal, as a girl, was to play them all. That was still her goal, but for different reasons now. Now she wanted to know if they had anything to do with the creator behind them, Rocio. She wanted to see how much of herself she found in each one.
A new tab opened:
<hello>
Charlie activated her microphone:
"It's me!" she exclaimed.
<proof>
"...I'm talking, can you hear me?"
<I_know_I_just_wanted_to_bother_you>
"Of course you just wanted to bother me..." Charlie sighed.
<does_GRACE_not_let_you_into_her.house_anymore?>
"How do you know that?!" Charlie was startled, and then remembered: Rocío could turn on the computer and pretend it was off. "Right... God, doesn't she understand?" Charlie looked at the camera, which was on, which meant Rocío was watching her. But she didn't say anything. She probably didn't know what to say; she was used to being the villain, and surely no one had ever stood up for her in her life.
<I_don't_understand_why_you_are_defending_me>
“You don’t understand?”
<No>
“Well, because I believe in you, Rocío. I don't think you're a totally horrible person. Yes, you did some wrong things, but you have to understand that Grace didn't treat you well, and you don't come from the best place... You don't seem to come from a good place. You're traumatized, Rocío, even if you try to hide it, it shows. Trauma doesn't just go away. And you can't just hide it. No matter how hard you try, your trauma will come out more and more. Do you understand? I don't know what you're traumatized by, but I know you're not okay. And that inspires me to want to defend you when Grace talks about you as if you were just crazy.”
<You're_going_to_regret_defending_me.>
“Well, I'm not defending you yelling at Grace or how you treated her, but... I can't say she treated you well. You did several things wrong. But I understand why you acted the way you did.”
<the_fact_you_don’t_defend_me_calmsmedown>
Well, at least Rocio did acknowledge her mistakes. One point more than Grace.
<But_you’ll_regret_ever_ being_on_my_side>
“...No, I don't think I’ll regret it, Rocio”.
Rocio felt...strange, negatively. She didn't deserve this, and she didn't know what to do. How to get Charlie away from her. How to SAVE Charlie from her. She really didn't deserve Charlie. She didn't deserve how good she was, she didn't deserve her kindness. She didn't deserve her help. And she had to prove it to Charlie, one way or another. She had to prove it to her, show her that she wasn't worth it, and that she had to follow a better path than trying to help a monster like her. But how would she do it? Of all the things she told her, nothing worked. Nothing crossed her mind, nothing made her understand that she didn't deserve his help.
But then she remembered everything he told her. She seemed like the victim there, didn't she? And it wasn't even the worst part of her.
So, what if she tried her worst?
<then_I_will_make_you_regret_it>
"How?"
Rocio already knew what to do. Although she felt this would leave her vulnerable, she could always simply block Charlie's IP address and block it so she couldn't access the page again, right?
Yes, that's what she would do. Even though it hurt, she shouldn't have attached herself to Charlie in the first place.
She would show Charlie how horrible she was.
<why_are_you_so_interested_in_my_story?>
"Okay, Rocio, you want me to be honest, right?" Charlie asked.
<of_course>
“Rocío, I want to help. Not in a superficial way, not by ‘trying to fix you’, not by trying to make you a socially acceptable person, a big mistake. I want to help, to get to know you, to know who you really are. Rocío, I don't think of you as the worst person in the world, I don't think you deserve this, and that's why I want to help you if you'll let me, if you accept. I want to help, and if you don't let me, I want at least to know what brought you here. What made you end up in this place you call your heaven, WHY you call it your heaven. Why, and why, I have a million questions, Rocío. If I can't help you, would you at least do me the favor of telling me why?”
<All_this_for_the_person_who_traumatized_you>
“Rocío, yes, you've made big mistakes, but I want to know why. Why did you do all that, and if you let me, I'd like to help you too.”
<So_you_want_to_help_me?>
"Yes..." Charlie replied.
<Let's_see_if_you_can:)>
Charlie didn't know what to answer, but before she could speak, Rocio spoke again.
<Did_you_know_we_participated_in_a_game_competition?>
"...No, I didn't know that."
<We_got_in_the_seventh_place_but_it_still_made_us_more_popular.>
June 13, 2007.
Grace has been pretty distant from me lately. She doesn't talk to me anymore. It's like she's decided we're not friends anymore. We seem less and less like friends...I miss what we had before. I miss when she used to take me out, even if it was just to the park. I feel like she's treating me less like a friend and more like a...
"Rocio!" someone called her, and she quickly hid her diary. She had one because she heard they could help her, but she never wanted to show it. She looked up to find Grace. What a coincidence.
"Oh, hi, Grace," she greeted.
"Look what I found!" Grace grabbed Rocio by the arm and led her to the university library.
It was a website about "The best computer games for your son or daughter!"
At the bottom, there was a link.
"If you code, join this competition!! More info here!"
Grace clicked on it, and it took her to another page.
The information said that if you're over 18, there was a games for children competition.
It was a perfect opportunity.
"This is perfect, Rocio! We have to join! Imagine all the fame we could gain!"
Rocío looked surprised, she smiled. It was a great opportunity. From what she saw, it seemed like there was going to be making famous game creators. If they even accepted them, that was already a great achievement.
And it was a great opportunity for Rocío to pursue a goal and not kill herself.
Yes, that was going to be her new goal: making games for girls. But not just any games, the best games for girls. She was going to do everything to be first.
They had to be famous.
"...To your house after school," Rocío said, already setting a firm goal.
She had to achieve it.
And maybe... her friendship with Grace could even improve.
(Or so she thought)
The classes passed slowly, because when Rocío wants something to happen now, it never happens quickly; time flies by as fast as a turtle walking.
She was in the last class. She wasn't listening to what the teacher was saying anymore; her mind was focused solely on that competition and signing up now. She stomped her feet quickly, counting the seconds that passed. 1, 2, 3, 4... 1090, 1091, 1092... 2000...
2400.
Finally, she reached 2400.
And the bell rang. Rocio ran out, as she had already packed her things. She didn't take a single note, she was just waiting to leave. She looked for Grace, and when she found her, she couldn't help but smile.
"GOD! IMAGINE IF THE GAMES BECOME MORE FAMOUS! IMAGINE ALL THE THINGS WE COULD DO!" Grace started talking about all the things they could do in the future: more games, series, gosh, maybe they could even make toys! "CAN YOU IMAGINE A MINI LACEY? A LITTLE LACEY PLUSH TOY?!" CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW CUTE SHE WOULD BE!? ALL THE MONEY WE'D MAKE!?”
"Yes! It'd be amazing!” Rocío exclaimed, mimicking Grace's enthusiasm. Really, she didn't feel anything. For a long time, Rocío hasn't been feeling any enthusiasm for the games. But for Grace, she tried faking she did. After all, they only talked because of the games.
The rest of the trip was silent, uncomfortably silent for Rocio—for Grace? She probably preferred this to listening to Rocio talking.
When they arrived, Grace opened the door to that house she knew so well: flowered walls, flowerpots, small but big enough. She came here often. But instead of receiving that air of confidence, of home, she was just uncomfortable.
"Rocio? Pfft! I just feel sorry for her, okay? She needs a friend, someone to teach her how to be normal. Besides, it's funny, you know? It's kind of funny to see how pathetic she is."
Grace turned on the computer and looked up the competition website.
When she clicked "sign up," she entered the specific email address for the games, which they both had access to: yaniasogames@gmail.com
All this while Rocio just watched, uncomfortable.
"Um, how are you?"
"Good."
"That's great!" Rocio smiled falsely.
Grace wasn't trying to have a conversation with her. She was just typing on the computer.
Rocio couldn't wait for it to finish and for them to discuss ideas for games they would present, just to have something to talk about.
"Okay, now, what game will we release?" Grace finally asked.
Rocio thought. What would the girls like to play this year?
"Umm, could we could make games with the other girls?"
"Nah, I mean, show them, but not make it focus on them..." She thought more. "Something to teach them to be good girls!! Like, for example...uh..."
"I don’t know, a cooking game? To make them want to learn how to cook like their mothers?" Rocio responded sarcastically. She didn't want Lacey Games to end up being another place full of "girls have to be this way and that way" and for the girls to grow up with that. It made her uncomfortable, but at the pace they were going, that's what it was going to be. And she couldn't do anything about it because, seeing Grace's face, she realized she liked the idea.
"Yes! Yes! A cooking game!" the other girl exclaimed. "Lacey cooking! That's great!"
Rocio didn't really want to do another "women belong in the kitchen" show. She wanted to show they could be so much more, but if Grace liked the idea...
But it didn't necessarily have to be that way, did it?
Rocio, surprisingly, came up with something. She had a lot of ideas today, just two, but it was a lot for her, with the feeling of emptiness that was overwhelming her and she was desperately trying to hide, it was a lot.
"What if she opens her own diner? Lacey's opened her own diner, and you have to help her cook so the customers are happy and she makes money!" Rocio smiled.
"Rocio, that's…" Grace began. "A GREAT IDEA! LET THE PLAYER DRAG WHAT LACEY ORDERS INTO A BOWL, AND THAT WAY THEY'LL LEARN THE NAMES OF THE FOODS!"
"YES!" IT'LL BE GREAT! Rocío smiled genuinely. "You do the coding, I'll draw the pictures!" Rocío exclaimed. "When's it?"
Grace looked closely:
"Hmm...June 23rd."
"...June 23rd...Perfect! We could make more games for the competition! Let's think! What could we present...?"
"Hmm...let's present 4 games! We can do it!"
"YES! OF COURSE!" Rocío was doubting whether they could really make 4 games in two weeks, but...let's go, we can do it!
"Then I'll draw the concepts!"
"At your house, right?" Grace said.
"...At my house? Well, if you want me to go, just say it..."
"No! No! It was...a question. Yep, a question." Grace was horribly bad at lying.
"...Well, uh... I'd like to show them to you, so I know what you think, you know?" Rocío tried to add something to stay with Grace longer and not go back to being alone with her thoughts.
Grace sighed, and she let her stay.
Rocío wasn't stupid. She noticed how Grace started losing interest in her, how Grace seemed to want to distance herself from her. Everytime they talked less and less, only for the games. She felt horrible; thousands of things were going through her head while she drew, among them one that terrified her:
"What if Grace leaves me?"
The idea wouldn't let her live; her only friend, LEAVING HER.
She was in her room, staring at the ceiling. That afternoon, they decided on what their new game, Lacey's Diner, would be like: the outfits, the customers, the way the game would work.
But it wasn't like it used to be; Grace seemed bored, uninterested. And that made Rocío feel...bad. Grace was losing interest. Grace was losing interest in her. And she didn't know what to do, how to fix it.
"Rocio? Pfft! I just feel sorry for her, okay? She needs a friend, someone to teach her how to be normal. Besides, it's funny, you know? It's kind of funny to see how pathetic she is."
But who was capable of maintaining interest in her? She was pathetic, the definition of a loser. No friends, only coding skills, spending all day on the computer, and on top of that, an alcoholic.
Alcohol... she could drown her sorrows in alcohol right now. But that just proved even more how pathetic she was.
Since returning from Grace's house, Rocío spent hours in her bed. Her backpack was thrown on the floor, and her clothes were scattered all over the bed. She didn't have the energy to put it away.
She hated feeling this way, hated feeling so useless. She couldn't even keep Grace's interest, so why keep living?
Then a thought occurred to her.
Maybe... Grace would love her again if the game became more popular and they managed to win...
Yes...
YES...
YES!
THAT WAS THE ANSWER! STOP BEING USELESS!
Rocio quickly got out of bed, ignoring her dizziness, and went to do the activity she excelled at: programming and drawing.
This would keep Grace interested, right?
Hours passed, Rocio was drawing; it was 3 AM. Sleeping? It wasn't something Rocio was known for; it was more her lack of sleep that stood out. It wasn't that this was anything special, no, Rocio always worked at night. She was a night owl, you'd say, but really, she was scared.
Scared of seeing him, with her again, threatening to kill her, and repeating over and over again what she had done.The police would find out one day.
So she should enjoy her freedom as much as she can, right? Double reward: she didn't sleep: she didn't see him, and she enjoyed her freedom even more.
So she kept programming, ignoring the fatigue that was growing more and more: she could just have coffee or some energy drink afterward.
And that's how she spent her days.
At university, she tried to discuss with Grace what she was doing, Grace becoming a little more surprised each day by everything she accomplished "in one afternoon."
"So... I added this..."
“DAMN ROCÍO! WE'RE SUPPOSED TO MAKE THE GAMES TOGETHER! RIGHT?" Grace exclaimed. "Why don't you rest a little and leave the rest to me?"
"...Uh..." Rocio froze. Of course, she wanted Grace to do something too. But...that would mean...
resting, sleeping, SEEING HIM.
She was so scared.
“...Um...if you want, we can get together to do it, and...then I'll continue at my house.”
“Or I'll continue at my house, since you've already done a lot…”
“NO! I want to continue at my house! Or...you do something at home and I'll do other things like...I don't know, concepts for the next game?”
“Concepts for the next game...well, you could start planning that.”
Rocio smiled. She knew she'd faint from fatigue one day, but she found a meaning in her life: programming, drawing, she shouldn't let go of that.
Right?
Rocio looked at her drawings, her only source of light being a small lamp. She didn't feel...anything.
She didn't feel anything while drawing; she just looked at her notebook, full of Lacey's drawings, bored.
No, bored wasn't the right word; it was much bigger than that.
She felt empty.
She's felt empty for days, weeks. And she really thought this would make her feel better, but nothing happened; she still felt the same nothingness. She still felt a hole inside her that neither programming, nor drawing, nor alcohol, nor smoking, nor anything else could fill.
As she drew Lacey again, she felt something new. Something strange.
Looking at her revealing clothes, her hair, her accessories, her friends, the place they were at, the mall, her happiness.
She couldn't help but want to be her. And it angered her.
Had she really hit so low that she wanted to be Lacey now?
She snapped her pencil in two, frustrated:
"NO! NO! NO! Stop with this nonsense, Rocío," she told herself. This was stupid. She had to play games, not envy Lacey's beautiful, perfect smile.
Empty, empty. She felt empty. Programming and drawing weren't fun anymore. She drew and drew, and nothing pleased her; she felt beyond frustrated.
She wanted to simply disappear.
Disappear, everything would be simpler, wouldn't it? She would love to be nothing, to do nothing, to have no conscience. To be alone. It would be liberating. Rocío wanted that.
She wanted to disappear.
But she couldn't; she had to keep living and achieve her ultimate goal:
...
...
...
...
What was it?
To come first in the contest? Qualifying would be a miracle. To be with Grace? To please Grace?
Yes, her goal was to leave everything behind and move forward, but... that was for and to fit in with Grace...
What was the point of doing it if Grace, the only person she trusted, hated her?
Rocío slapped herself:
"Ugh! Stop thinking! Work harder!" She demanded to herself. "Don't think about stupid things when there are so many things to finish!"
And then she opened a new can of Monster Energy, drank it straight away, and to the trash pile it goes.
Yep, she was still fine.
So Rocio kept working, hours and hours passing, it felt like years.
Days passed slowly, and Rocio couldn't wait for those days to end, only to end up back where she started: emptiness, emptiness, and more emptiness. Nothing changed.
Until one day, it was the final day to deliver what they had made.
Rocio and Grace had made four games in total, including Lacey's Diner.
They waited days and days for results.
"Imagine if we come in first... and a studio hires us, and we gain even more fame!" Grace was excited.
"Yes, that would be great," Rocio replied.
The emptiness grew.
Then, a few days passed, until suddenly, they received an email.
"ROCIO!" "ROCÍO!" Grace exclaimed. "We got an email!"
"What does it say?" Rocío tried to act interested.
"They're going to announce the rankings on July 3rd, Rocío, we qualified!"
That took Rocío by surprise:
"We... qualified???"
"Yes! We're going to be famous!"
Grace smiled, Rocío smiled too.
She should be happy.
But she didn't feel anything.
On July 3rd, They looked at the page. They started from seventh place: they were the first to get mentioned.
"Seventh place! Hey, at least we made it!" Grace smiled, still happy.
"Yes!" Rocío tried to imitate her excitement.
"Take a picture! Let's print it! Let's take a picture together!"
Rocío smiled, trying to keep up with Grace's mood.
They took a photo together, with the certificate to print on the computer. Then Grace printed it, and they took another photo together, holding the certificate.
Grace even framed it, smiling from ear to ear. Rocío tried to smile back, anything to hide it. To hide the great emptiness she felt.
She hated that she had to do this.
She should be happy, shouldn't she? She worked hard to get here, game after game, they did everything possible to get here.
So why?
WHY DID SHE FEEL NOTHING?
WHY THE HELL DID SHE ONLY FEEL EMPTY!?
And that was the end of it.
Or so Rocío thought.
Weeks later, they received an email. A studio wanted to hire them. A studio offered to help them with Lacey's. They would give them a spot in the studio so they could develop the games with more people helping them, and then they would split the money they made from the games with the people they helped.
Grace offered to bring her cousin, Liam, to check the site for hackers and that stuff, and the studio offered them two more people. That's how the Yaniaso Games studio was made up. Few people, but enough, enough for them (and for the little money they have). If it were up to her, it would just be her and Grace. But with their newfound fame, they needed more people to help them.
Grace looked happy, Rocío was smiling. But it wasn't genuine. It was that smile she'd practiced for years in front of the mirror.
She wanted Grace to be happy.
And she wanted to be happy too.
But she just felt empty.
…No, she wasn’t ok. Even if she wanted to be.
<Can_you_believe_idid_didnt_feel_anything>
"That's not your fault," Charlie replied.
<But_thats_not_all_im_worse>
"Go on, go on, Rocío. I'm here to listen." Charlie smiled.
Rocío felt...strange. This didn't make Charlie think she was weird. But the next thing was definitely going to make her have at least a reaction.